Why I hate modern zombie movies

As much as I adore Shaun of the Dead, I can't help but think of how much bullshit it has spawned. As far as Shaun goes, the movie was perfect. It was a Romero zombie movie that poked fun at Romero zombie movies, but not in a stupid way. As far as humor went, it was the characters and their situation and interactions that were funny (and often dramatic) instead of relying on zombie sight gags.

Unfortunately, Shaun of the Dead sparked a whole new interest in zom coms. And none have been particularly good. Zom coms (as they are called) have pretty much existed since the inception of the Romero zombie (I mean, how is Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things not a comedy?) Back then they were done well, emphasizing comedic situations interspersed with true moments of horror.

The movie that has done this best (besides Shaun) is Return of the Living Dead. Sure, there are a few moments in the film that are completely, ridiculously silly ("Send more cops") but the movie gets the actual zombie onslaught stuff right. The best zombie films always put characters in a nearly impossible situation, and then proceed to make that situation increasingly worse. In Return, the characters find themselves trapped in a morgue that has barely any defensive capability against hordes of invincible zombies that are trying to find their way in. To make matters worse, two of their number are already dying and slowly becoming Returners themselves. Added to that is the fact that every ounce of help that seems to come their way is torn apart by the zombie horde, and as each moment passes the characters options are running out.

Theses are the zombie movies I love to watch, because it creates such a great terror and suspense in the viewer that, in my opinion, is unrivaled in the horror movie genre community. It's so satisfying to watch the characters succeed in escape (and even destroying) the zombies and its so heart-wrenching and terrifying to see them fail.

Zombie movies these days follow a different rule. Throw in some quirky characters, put them in amusing situations, and watch them turn into complete zombie killing badass machines at the end that are capable of dealing out many headshots (even while they are running) despite the fact that they've had no prior experience or practice with a gun.

Modern zombie movies are fixated on delivering zombie killing action, to the point of making their human characters into Robocop, and its so ridiculous that I can't stand watching these films. In Night of the Living Dead, our heroes struggled to even hit their targets at all because they were all people who had never previously dealt with firearms.

Where is the tension that used to come from watching a zombie movie? Why does that tension suddenly get ignored in the modern day?

What follows are several minor nitpicks regarding the depictions of zombies themselves:

I am a fan of old school slow zombies. However, I like the fast Olympic medalist zombies that have been introduced in recent times. To be fair, if the dead ever rose up out of their graves in real life, they would be running to after the effects of rigor mortis wore off (which they will). They won't be Olympic medalist fast, but they won't be tree-swaying-in-the-wind slow. However, I feel like my slow zombie palos are beginning to become ignored. I'm not asking that fast zombies go away. I'm asking for more equal representation.

Another big thing I dislike is how zombies look these days. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to articulate this thought, but...zombies now have a "look". Whenever you think of zombies, you think of that look. Compare this:

to this:

What is with with this zombie snarl face that so many extras do these days? All their zombies have that same damn look. When I think of a zombie I think of a reanimated CORPSE. Meaning whatever you're seeing is a shell that is just walking around and eating humans. I hate (and this is just my personal opinion) zombies that have very varied expressions. To me, the only expression a zombie should have is the expression they had when they died. It makes them so much creepier. A zombie snarling at me like a dog doesn't make them scary.

Zombie movies need to emphasize the fact that what we are looking at is literally a dead person. Instead of a director saying, "Act like a zombie", they should be telling them, "Act like a walking dead shell, a corpse." We need to get away from the zombie stereotype and go back to thinking of zombies as a dead body that gets up and and wanders around.

I say these things because I assume that there is such a thing as objective fear, and such things that I suggest can only improve zombies so that they can get back to that objective fear and all of us can be scared again.

Other than that, that's about all I have to say about it. I would love for anyone reading to send their thoughts.